Gone Crackers!

Last weekend I heard someone say that the most resilient parasite in the world is an idea.  I agree – I haven’t been able to stop thinking about crackers all night.  I know – weird right?!?!  I’m not even sure why…I wish I could start to obsess over the StairMaster.  Now, a normal person would either (a) go to the store and buy a box of crackers, or (b) stop thinking about crackers, but by now we’ve long since established that I am not normal.  So, what do I do? Make crackers.  As if there is any other choice!

Besides, it’s snowing and clearly not safe to drive without snow tires on so my options for entertainment are limited.

So, how do you make crackers, I hear you ask?  Allow me to lead you through the simple and easy process.

Step 1: Open fridge, and wonder what on earth possessed you to make gluten-free bread last week, and therefore have 7 different types of expensive specialty flours in your fridge.  Pull out barley and quinoa flour, and then put quinoa flour back after deciding that it would be better used in cookies.  Contemplate making gluten-free crackers using the special GF flour blend you made last week.  Also contemplate making cookies.  Remind yourself to stay focused on the task at hand.

Step 2: Attempt to find spelt flour in pantry.  Climb on counter, carefully maneuver around cupboard doors, and pray you don’t fall to your death, at least not before eating crackers.  Contemplate calling M & asking when he’ll be home to reach items that you long since buried (hello, Christmas 2009 chocolate!). Sample said-chocolate, to see if it’s still good or not.  And to reward yourself for not falling off the counter.  Yet.

Step 3: Find spelt flour in lower cupboard, but not with other flours.  Go figure.  Make mental note to re-organize pantry.  Make second mental note to turn laundry room into walk-in pantry instead.

Step 4: Remember that you put your spray bottle in your storage room when M  moved in and bathroom space had to be shuffled, and contemplate changing out of PJ’s and into real clothes to go find it.  Decide that that sounds like a lot of work, and instead devise a story so if any neighbours see you, you’ll be prepared to deliver a convincing and heart-wrenching monologue about saving a cat or helping the elderly.  Or just run really fast.

Step 5: Make crackers!

Spelt flour, barley flour, table salt, olive oil, flax seeds, poppy seeds, fleur de sel.

To get things started, mix up 1/4 t table salt, 1/2 c water, and 1 T olive oil.

Dump in 1 c spelt flour and 1/2 c barley flour, and stir until combined.

Et voila!

Generously dust a piece of parchment paper with flour, and start to roll the crackers out.  If you’re planning on sprinkling any seeds on top, now’s the time – the seeds will get embedded into the dough and help prevent it from sticking to the rolling pin.

Prick the dough with a fork…

And spray with water.

Score the dough using a pizza wheel if you’re feeling fancy.

Or if you just don’t want to break the giant cracker apart.

Transfer to a cookie sheet (or, in my case, a pizza pan) and bake at 350-degrees for 15 – 25 minutes (depending on the thickness of the dough).

FINALLY!  Sorry for yelling but WE HAVE CRACKERS!!!

The verdict?

I like the taste of these, but not the texture – despite baking them for about 30 mins, I couldn’t get them to crisp up sufficiently.  Next time, I’ll leave the olive oil out and roll them thinner. Or maybe just wait until they’re cool to eat them.  Patience may not be my strong suit.

Despite their shortcomings, these crackers still made a fine vehicle for soft-ripened cheese and bruschetta.

Now if you’ll excuse me, dinner is calling my name.

And I shall answer.

I’ll check back in tomorrow and let you know if they’re better after cooling off.  That is, unless I start obsessing about the StairMaster.

If that happens, please send help.  And cookies. They’ve been known to snap the afflicted back to reality.

Until we meet again…



(aka the one who does not know how to adjust her camera settings)


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